Free voicemail greetings

This is an important message from the Intergalactic Flatulance Control Center. We have received multiple reports from civilians in your general vicinity that you have taken a class five explosive poop on someone else's pillow. Any attempt to hinder our investigation will be met with all necessary force. Your call is now being redirected to your intended party. Please hold. Oh, McDonald's had a bomb and lit it shortly. Hey guys, what's going on? Wow, are you still there? Microsoft Sam could learn a whole lot from you. This is 21st century read by the way. Looks like we've been sent to voicemail. I tell you not to say something absolutely stupid, but seeing as how you seem to break that rule every five seconds, I'm just going to leave it to chance and hope you don't break the fourth wall.